Struggle town, 'the parasite suburb', Queanbehole. We've heard it all, Canberra. And we know you refer to Alexander Maconochie Centre as 'Queanbeyan University' behind our backs.
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But I'm into 'home truths' at the moment and this week, as a proud resident of Struggle Town, NSW, I'm putting it out there that Queanbeyan should be re-named The Capital of Canberra. Not only am I suggesting that Queanbeyan is better than Canberra; I'm suggesting that you're actually nothing without us.
Here's why ...
1. First of all, you have us to thank for the Canberra Raiders
In 1981, when the New South Wales Rugby Football League (NSWRFL) decided to expand the number of teams in its Sydney-based premiership, Canberra got the call-up.
And by Canberra, I mean Queanbeyan.
The team of blokes who limbered up and ran out onto Seiffert Oval for one of the first ever Raiders games in early 1982 were mostly all Queanbeyan Blues players. The Blues teams of the 1970s had been dominant locally, which led to the push to get them playing more talented Sydney teams.
The brand new Canberra Raiders team retained the services of Blues coach Don Furner and the Queanbeyan boys - names like Vucago, O'Sullivan and O'Grady - wore lime green jerseys, proudly claiming they were from Canberra.
2. It actually is '20 minutes to anywhere' when you live in Queanbeyan
I see you all lost your minds last week when I took a leisurely drive from Banks to Dunlop to challenge the myth that it's '20 minutes to anywhere' in Canberra. But here's the kicker. Little old Q-Town is more central than ANY Canberra suburb. You'd know this if you ever dared to cross the border.
Travel time from Queanbeyan to the Tuggeranong town centre? 20 minutes.
Travel time from Queanbeyan to the Woden town centre? 17 minutes.
Travel time from Queanbeyan to Civic? 17 minutes. (Except after leaving Mooseheads at 3am when it seems to take 19 hours and 43 minutes, and an $8000 taxi fare.)
The only exception is the Belconnen town centre, which is a 29 minute drive from Queanbeyan. I do love a good laugh at the penis owl but not '29 minutes of my life' worth.
3. We kept the men housed and 'watered' during the build of Canberra
The best nights out in Queanbeyan involve a quiet beverage (or 10) at two of our oldest and most iconic pubs - Hotel Queanbeyan and the Royal Hotel.
And so it was in the early to mid-1920s, when exhausted men spent their days toiling over the build of structures like Telopea Park School, Old Parliament House and the 1000-seat Capitol Theatre in Manuka.
Thousands of men were literally building the capital from the ground up, but Canberra couldn't even offer them a cold beer in return. On December 22, 1910, new liquor licenses were banned in the Federal Capital Territory, and a 17-year dry spell for the capital began.
The bone-weary blokes had to cross the border to God's country - Queanbeyan - where the hotel accommodation was comfortable and cheap, and where there was a cold beverage on tap whenever you wanted it. (Of course, the ACT's liquor ban ended in 1926 when thirsty pollies passed a resolution to allow the construction of a bar in Parliament House.)
4. We happily take over hosting your iconic events
After 50 years of operating Oktoberfest in Canberra, the Harmonie German Club announced in late 2016 it was being forced out of Exhibition Park due to 'crippling costs'.
And there was Queanbeyan, stein in hand, smiling as it accepted the event with open arms.
In 2017, the Harmonie German Club signed a five-year, $275,000 deal with Queanbeyan-Palerang Regional Council, meaning Oktoberfest will be held at the Queanbeyan Showground until at least 2021.
Prost!
5. We're fully supportive, even though you never include us
Canberra (in 2012): Guess what! We're getting a fancy new train! It's red! You won't even need a ticket to get on! And it's costing, like, billions.
Queanbeyan: Wow! Is it going to come to Queanbeyan?
Canberra (through tears of laughter): No way!
Queanbeyan: Wow! That sounds so exciting. I think we're just going to continue with the one Deanes Bus going to Canberra and back each day.
6. We're open on your self-indulgent public holidays
We can always tell when there's a random public holiday being celebrated over the ACT border because our city becomes a blue-and-white number plate fest.
The butchers and bakeries are left dry, the lines at the bank weave out the door and the aisles of Woolies and Aldi become frenzied lines of post apocalyptic shoppers fighting over frozen goods.
But we don't mind. Because we love you, Canberra. We always have. And it's about time you showed us some of that love in return.
Declaring us The Capital of Canberra is the perfect start.