One potato, two potato, three potato four. Five potato, six potato, seven potato, more.
Calm yourself. That's just the lockdown talking.
Take a deep breath and I'll make you a nice cup of tea. You'll come to your senses soon.
No, you don't understand. It's my shopping list.
Remember what Gladys told us: no panic buying.
I'm not. I've decided to shift my lockdown kilos with a mono diet.
Eating black and white things?
Eating just one thing: a single food, for several days or weeks.
So the 'mono' stands for monotonous?
Monotrophic, if you please. The results can be quite dramatic.
In 2016, magician Penn Jillette from Vegas duo Penn and Teller followed a potatoes-only mono diet for two weeks to kickstart his 45kg weight loss.
I love Penn and Teller. But are you sure this radical reduction wasn't just sleight of hand? I'm expecting Penn's vanished kilos to reappear dramatically, pulled from a top hat or behind somebody's ear.
It was very real. Penn documented his mono diet in a book called Presto! How I Made Over 100 Pounds Disappear and Other Magical Tales.
My point exactly.
If you don't believe Penn, try Melbourne's Andrew Taylor, AKA @spudfit, who lost over 50 kilos after eating only potatoes for a whole year.
Holy Sebago! Nothing else?
Nothing else. Just baked, boiled or mashed potatoes.
I guess spuds make more nutritional sense than chicken nuggets or lamingtons.
For Taylor, it was really about the psychology. Pre-potatoes, he was a 151kg, depressed, self-confessed food addict. His year of spuds was an extreme circuit-breaker for his troubled relationship with food. He eats a balanced diet now.
Any other foods popular with the mono crowd?
Bananas and other fruits; eggs, milk, even chocolate. Matt Damon lived on chicken breasts alone to lose weight for a role. Nicole Kidman did the same with boiled eggs. But I'll be honest with you - no dietitian in the world is going to mandate mono. No single food has sufficient nutrients for your long-term survival. Some might even call it dangerous.
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And you're still going potatoes-only?
I'll admit it - I'm falling off the shopping trolley. After 48 spud-filled hours, I've developed an uncontrollable craving for broccoli.
I guess when it comes to food, monogamy might be overrated.
- Amy Cooper is a journalist who embraces wellness, but has also used kale to garnish a cocktail.