I know it was a stupid thing to do. But it just happened. A man came back into my life after 20-odd years and I can't stop thinking about him.
We first met in 1983, we were barely children and then for years he came in and out of my life with a sporadic regularity.
In 1999, things became more regular and for four or so years we caught up once a week and I would be charmed by his wit and intelligence and good looks.
And now he's back. He's 57. Sexier than ever. And we're back to our weekly schedule, sometimes twice a week. I can't get enough of him. He makes me laugh, and think about things in a different way; something stirs in me the moment I see his face - oh those crinkles near his eyes - and I feel like I am that 17-year-old girl I was when we first met all those years ago.
Ah Rob Lowe. Where have you been?
As many of us have been wont to do during lockdown, I've spent too many hours searching every streaming service as a way to kill a few hours, and I stumbled across a show call 9-1-1. A series about a fire station in Los Angeles and the first responders who work out of it. It stars Peter Krause, who I've loved since Six Feet Under, and Angela Bassett who's still rocking it at 63.
From there there was an offshoot called 9-1-1 Lone Star, the location is now Austin, Texas, and who should have the starring role other than Rob Lowe as fire chief Owen Strand. It's action packed and funny, and pulls on the heart strings occasionally - everything I'm looking for in a relationship.
And then to slap a big serve of buttercream on top of the cake (I've been watching a lot of Nailed It! as well) I discovered his podcast Literally! With Rob Lowe where, he says, "people I love and admire and know well will be in a safe place to really let their hair down (assuming they have any).
"I will cover the thoughtful to the extremely random. So join me and my guests from the world of movies, TV, sport, music and culture for fun, wide-ranging, free wheeling conversations."
The guests I've most been drawn to have a theme: Michael J Fox, Molly Ringwald, Andrew McCarthy, Demi Moore ... if you're of an age too, you know where I'm coming from. Are we all really in our 50s, are we no longer brat packish teenagers caught in detention, or lost 20-somethings wondering what happened last night?
The rude shock is, no we're not.
I'd like to think I have aged no faster than Rob Lowe who still channels a little of St Elmo's Fire's Billy Hicks, or Danny from About Last Night. Even a smidge of Sodapop Curtis from The Outsiders. (A Frances Ford Coppola film which starred so many of a teenage girl's crushes.)
Lowe starred with Demi Moore in that seminal movie of my early adulthood and I cringe every time I head to Moore's social media page.
She looks better now than she did in 1986, and the way her and ex-husband Bruce Willis have handled their co-parenting forever, but particularly during Covid, all moving in together with new partners and the like, has been a fine example of how to do things.
It's been such a pleasure to welcome him back into my life. In some ways a timely reminder that it doesn't matter how old we get, we still have valuable contributions to make to society, that we're still able to be sexy and desirable despite the curveballs life throws your way. (His scenes with Lisa Edelstein - check out The Girlfriend's Guide to Divorce - who plays his ex-wife who moves back in during the pandemic are full of chemistry.)
It's made me rethink my primary relationship, the one I have with me, and look at all those things a woman of a certain age has to offer herself.
Lockdown hasn't been easy, living mainly on my own, but from it I have a whole new appreciation of myself.
I'm resourceful and capable and while I am sick to death of emptying the dishwasher myself I have come to the realisation that I am worthy of being looked after.
And if I'm the only one in a position to do that, then it's time I did.
It's so easy to give up on yourself, and I'll admit I did for a while, and while I might spend far too much time schlepping around the house in my house pants, my credo is now "I am worth it". And with Rob by my side, I can do anything.