AT TIMES when Oscar was a baby, his mother Maddy Mendoza-Orubuloye could not look at him: ''I hated him, it's a shocking thing to say, but I hated him.''
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More than five years later, Ms Mendoza-Orubuloye looks at Oscar with love, every kiss and cuddle a natural act, and she can't image those old feelings. But she thanks God she let down her mask of polite ''I'm fines'' to get the help she needed.
Oscar is now a cheeky big brother to 18-month-old Lewis and Ms Mendoza-Orubuloye is speaking out about her experience to raise awareness for Postnatal Depression Awareness Week.
''You can get through it - I'm proof of that,'' she said.
The 31-year-old had postnatal depression but she kept her fits of crying and feelings hidden from her husband and other family members for four months.
''I never wanted to hurt him [Oscar], but there was no sense of control, this four-kilo thing was totally controlling my entire life … I had trouble with bonding. I was detached from motherhood. It didn't feel natural.''
When she burst into tears on the way home, thinking, ''Help me, I hate him, I hate me'', she knew it was more than the baby blues and went to her doctor for help.
''I was overwhelmed and I could not see it getting better, but I learnt to appreciate and connect.''
More than 45,500 women and 14,000 men (15 per cent of new mothers and 5 per cent of new fathers) are diagnosed with postnatal depression in Australia each year.
Associate professor of obstetrics and gynaecology at the ANU Medical School Steve Robson said doctors were getting better at recognising postnatal depression and distinguishing it from baby blues.
''Most women will feel sad shortly after the baby is born but that will pass very quickly,'' Dr Robson said. ''But it can be utterly devastating, it can lead to the woman harming herself and her baby, and it's the fourth-most-common cause of maternal death after bleeding and infection.
''A lot of women fall through the cracks because it can be very hard to diagnose. Women don't come along and say, 'I'm depressed', they come along with a whole other host of problem like, 'The baby won't sleep' or 'I can't bond with my baby'.''
He said the earlier it was picked up, the easier it was to treat and partners were usually the first ones to notice the signs.
For Ms Mendoza-Orubuloye it took one year to feel herself again without drugs but with intensive counselling. She said: ''New mothers put themselves under a lot of pressure and I didn't want people to think I was a bad mum.''
As part of Postnatal Depression Awareness Week a community walk will be held on Tuesday from 10am starting at Regatta Point.
People suffering from postnatal depression are urged to contact Post & Ante Natal Depression Support and Information Inc (PANDSI) on 6288 1936 or visit pandsi.org or justspeakup.com.au.