All those feels you have start spurting everywhere because you are just so stressed. If you ever want to assess the marital health of yourself or those around you, check out the work of John Gottman, a marriage researcher from the United States, who says there are four horsemen of the marital apocalypse: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.

When you see your friends start to bag their spouses in public, you know there is trouble. It's an intense time of year because we all spend so much time together, so our bad behaviour gets worse.

That's why January is the busiest month for those starting divorce proceedings, says Heather McKinnon, a senior family law specialist. It's often a New Year's resolution - those concerned decide they cannot spent another year miserable - and all that time spent together at Christmas has just shown you exactly how miserable you are.

She says that none of her staff take leave during January - the family lawyers are too busy dealing with the fall-out from Christmas.

And it's women who are driving divorce, says McKinnon, of Slater and Gordon, which conducted research surveying more than 2000 people in married or de facto relationships.

Of course, there were commercial reasons to conduct that research - any business needs to know what's driving its customers. As McKinnon points out, lawyers can miss cultural change. But there are serious concerns for all of us when we understand the facts about divorce and separation.

These days, most divorces are joint applications - a real shift from either the wife or the husband making the initial move. But what McKinnon has noticed is that the women who are making that initial application - and who account for about 30 per cent of divorces - are the major breadwinners.

That's the biggest cultural shift of all. That financial independence makes it more possible for women to reimagine their lives.

It's a particularly marked when the marriage hits four years - nearly twice as many women as men want to cut their losses (1136 women in 2013 compared to 653 men initiating divorce). And when you look at those who've divorced and who have children, there is a huge loading for those with two kids.

Nearly 60 per cent of marriages with two children which end in divorce are over before the youngest turns nine. It's about the same percentage across the number of children - until you get to five kids or more. Then, 90 per cent of marriages are over before the youngest turns nine. About half of all divorces occur in families with kids.

"The pressures are just so great, you have everything happening at once, kids are demanding of time and of money," McKinnon says.

While it's true that for most marriages, it's more likely to be a joint application or one driven by the women, there's a shift after 21 years of marriage, and that's when women are less likely to be the applicant.

Jessica Wynd, a family law solicitor in Canberra, has noticed precisely the same patterns when it comes to the gender of those who drive divorce. She sees many more women than men in both her private practice at Farrar Gesini Dunn and also in her pro bono work at the Women's Legal Centre.

"Women are taking a far more active role in their separation," she says.

She's talking to women who say: "I'm thinking about separating and I want to be on the front foot."

Wynd is relieved when those who want to divorce make plans before separation and she's dealt with a number of female clients who work in the public service, at senior public service levels such as APS 6 or EL1 where the average income is about $100,000.

These women are planning their separations, in some cases even before they tell their partners. She says this January is a little busier than usual, but that in Canberra it is usually a quiet time of year.

One Victorian woman, Kaye Winnell, decided in December 2009 to separate from her husband, but it wasn't until January 2011 that she initiated proceedings.

"I remember the bank was on my case wanting to sell the house," she says. Like many of McKinnon's clients, she was the breadwinner and could only see unhappiness in her future.

"I was thinking, 'is this my life forever?' and saying to myself that it wasn't good enough for me or for the kids, that it wasn't healthy."

Four years on, she has remarried and has an excellent relationship with her former husband. But divorce was difficult, no matter how well prepared she was.

"It was very hard, very challenging, but I feel like it taught me to be strong."

Follow me on Twitter or email jenna_p@bigpond.net.au