Love and lasting marriage: 35 years on, this is what I know

However.

Just this once.

Let me say that I never expected him to be different to the way he was when I married him. As my beloved and I celebrate our 35th wedding anniversary, I have some advice about staying married.

My number one tip is to recognise the person you are marrying for who they really are.

In other words, you do not have miraculous powers of transformation. Never imagine the person you marry will be anyone other than who they are at the time you marry them. Yes, we change as we age but the bare bones stay the same, although if you get married young, you might develop together but you can't be sure that will happen.

More than 20 years ago, researchers Karney and Bradbury wrote that it's what we bring to our marriages, our vulnerabilities, how we deal with stress and how we adapt, that accounts for marital quality, which influences stability. We don't turn into saints the minute we marry.

This is advice particularly directed at women, who marry men who are not trained in the art of house (blame their fathers). Or who have no interest in being housetrained and no idea that it's something they should be interested in. It's what we bring to our marriages but often, we are deep in love throes and ignore that. During those throes, you spend a lot of time eating out; and you may have lots of disposable income so if you need a cleaner, you get a cleaner. But if one of the reasons you are getting married is to have children, please don't imagine that having those children will suddenly turn your hot-but-bone-idle stud into a cleaning-and-cooking machine. Will never happen. It's what he brings to his marriages.

There you are, with a three month old, boobs the size of late summer rockmelons, a vagina that doesn't quite feel like itself; and no sexual interest. That's partly because you don't have a libido but it's also because you are furiously pissed off your partner won't cook or clean.

Of course you are exhausted and lack of sleep is a big source of marital disharmony or as Stephanie Wilson from Ohio State University College of Medicine wrote last year, with others, "When both partners slept less, couples interacted in a more hostile way than when at least one partner slept more ... [her] study also highlights the role of short sleep in more negative or punishing marital behaviour."

Also, far too exhausted to do the talking required to fix the problems. Talking, we need to do so much of that. If you don't have the chat in place when you marry, expect a sharp decline afterwards. If you do have the chat in place, you should be right – for a few years anyway. Researchers call it communication – but that means more than "how was your day, darling". It's hopes, fears, irritation, pleasure, money, misery and worry. I've written before about joint bank accounts providing a source of marital transparency and had grumpy correspondence about "giving up" financial autonomy. But getting along with each other about money is crucial to your relationship. You need to have the same goals and that can be hard. Have the discussion early, before you've moved in together.

And sort the housework thing before you have sex for the first time or soon thereafter; or sort the division of labour as soon as you move in. I have a compulsion to launder. My partner has other priorities and is a much, much, much better cook than I will ever be. Together, we spent a truckload of time keeping house but I've never once felt I did too much. I did occasionally think, when the kids were little, that I didn't do enough. Thank heavens and double incomes that we had enough spare money to have cleaners to deal with bathrooms and kitchen floors.

I realise I could write a book about this – as I write about why our relationship has survived for 35 years, I've been browsing the academic research. So there's one thing I would add – if you don't have anything in common except a wild lust for each other's bodies, your relationship is unlikely to last (although delicious sexual satisfaction is also good). Ogolsky and colleagues published a review of romantic relationships last year and one thing was clear, blokes who spend a lot of time with their mates have unhappy partners. You need to do your fun stuff together because it helps you talk to each other, and women, in particular, place a high priority on the quality of time spent doing fun stuff with their partners, says the research.

And some of that fun stuff should be whatever turns you on. But here's a warning.

Arguing and resentment about housework won't work as foreplay.

Jenna Price is a Fairfax columnist and an academic at the University of Technology Sydney.

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