Teach your sons not to punch

Over the weekend I watched a boy, a year or two younger than my nine-year-old son, who was unable to control his violent rage against his mother and his sister as they bought food at a café. It made me wonder if this boy would grow up without the impulse control to keep a wife or partner safe.

The mother, distracted by her phone, did not see her son slap his older sister when she didn't hand him a toy. As the daughter started to cry, the mother snapped her head up, grabbed the toy and told both kids to be quiet.

What happened next made me feel such a rush of emotion I am still processing it days later.

The boy started to scream for his toy.

His voice got louder. His mother scrolled furiously. He screamed in her face and then he punched her. He kicked her in the shins and he punched her again.

It was all I could do not to race from my table and go to her aid.

But this mother? This mother did nothing. While grasping her ever-vital phone in one hand, she tried to twist him away from her body with the other.

Aware now that the entire café was frozen in horror and awaiting her response, she told her son in a very loud voice that he was not getting a hot chocolate and that he was not getting the toy and she was cancelling movie night if he did not stop.

He stood there glaring at her.

My own children were wide-eyed in amazement. Who kicks their mother in the shins? Who punches her in the stomach?

Parents generally know better than to pass judgement over another child's behaviour. Toddlers in particular present a level of behavioural unpredictability that can catch the most seasoned parent off-guard. We all learn that – the hard way.

But this was something different. This middle class eight-year-old kid, doing a Saturday morning café run, with access to toys and movies and all the lovely parts of childhood, should have known better. His mother should have taught him.

When does it become unacceptable for a child to physically assault their parent? I reckon by the age of three or four the boundaries should be very firmly in place. And even if it takes a few more years to enforce limits on lashing out in anger, kids should know that punching their parents by the time they reach the middle primary years is not on. Surely.

This mother should have taught her son to respect her authority. To love her enough to not hurt her. To not hurt his sister.

Of course there may be more too it. Is he autistic? Does he have some rage-disorder that precludes his mother from dealing with his brute violence? I will never know. I can only judge his otherwise normal behaviour and conversation prior to him completely losing the plot.

In any event, I waited for the mother to deal with him - to put down her phone, ditch the hot chocolates, throw the toy in the bin and take this kid home - kicking and screaming - for some serious introspection.

And all the while I was thinking. Where does the violence begin? Do boys who never learn to control their fists as children go on to commit acts of violence on their wives and partners?

We know the statistics. One Australian woman each week dies at the hands of her partner. In Canberra, police are called to an average of nine cases of family violence per day. It is a problem that crosses cultural, religious, and socio-economic divides.

If we want to tackle escalating family violence, surely a logical place to start is with children. In particular, our sons.

Parents have to play a role in turning the tide of family violence - a generation before it begins.

Schools can also play a part with research overwhelmingly supporting the value of programs which teach children in the primary school years that violence is unacceptable – particularly when it is directed at women and children.

The Victorian Government has invested considerable time and money over the last decade into violence prevention courses in high schools, while the Northern Territory has targeted younger children in a number of its anti-violence prevention strategies.

Closer to home, the YWCA has been operating the only primary prevention program for young people in the ACT since 2012. Partnering with the Canberra Capitals, the program "Respect, Communicate, Choose" has operated across seven Canberra primary schools, teaching the limits of acceptable behaviour in relationships and focussing on the need to stop violence against women and children.

But it has now had its federal funding cut.

Which means parents remain our frontline of defence against a violent culture.

Except for the mum I saw on the weekend. She clearly did not want to deal with her son. She continued to be distracted by her phone while the kids bickered quietly until they reached the front of the queue.

Then they were each handed a hot chocolate and off they walked - presumably to choose a movie.