Hipster demons Annie and Lloyd and Greek mamas Vicky and Celine are up for elimination tonight. They'll be cooking for a bevy of celebrity judges. There's Guy Grossi, Liz Egan, Irish hellraiser Colin Farrell, sorry, Fassnidge, and most important of all Fairfax food writer Karen Martini - check out her recipe for brandade with wilted endive and mussels in today's Good Food, Epicure and Food and Wine. It's excellent.

The theme for Annie and Lloyd's menu is "things that we love" but surprisingly they've failed to include dishes based on musicals, jazz hands or annoyingly quirky headgear. We'll have to make do with grilled squid with fennel and pomegranate salad as the entree, a miso salmon dish with tempura mushrooms and chocolate pudding with salted caramel ice cream for dessert.

We take a break from the kitchen to throw some shade. Ash and Camilla would like Annie and Lloyd to stay because "they're not huge competition," smirks Camilla. And now back to the studio.

Vicky and Celine are doing a hearty Greek meal which is the perfect choice given their dishes are being judged blind. No one could possibly guess which dishes are theirs. They're doing grilled lemon and garlic prawn skewers with chilli mayonnaise, a beef moussaka for their main and rosewater rizogalo or Greek rice pudding for dessert. But first, Vicky accuses Annie and Lloyd of being "slippery little suckers". Oh wait, she's trying to skewer some prawns and tomatoes. It's hard work and it's taking a toll on her face. "My face is pulling faces," she complains. If you think that's tough, just wait till you get to dessert, honey (spoiler alert).

Lloyd begins by cooking dessert. He has a joyful disregard for economy when it comes to making the salted caramel - using no fewer than three frying pans to cook the sugar down. He is the Emperor Nero of frying pans. But there is a scientific explanation for this extravagance. "I'm using three different pans because it's about the surface area in general," he says, as one of the pans starts to burn and smoke behind him. After about 45 minutes of this, the crowd gets really restless and starts demanding he cook his entree. "The squid won't take more than 10 minutes to do," Lloyd says, as the clock ticks over to show 10 minutes left.

He is really worried about overcooking the squid tubes on the grill so he puts them straight on the grill without any oil, salt, pepper, money, or friends. Then he cooks them for about 30 seconds and whips them off the grill. Food poisoning will be a great bonding experience for Guy, Karen, Liz and Colin. "Put some olive oil on it!" shrieks Camilla from the sideline, as though this will make everything fine. In order to provide some much-needed leadership in her marriage, Annie has designated herself head chef for tonight's challenge. But she hasn't quite grasped the concept. "What am I doing now?" she asks Lloyd. "Pick up the squid with your hands and toss it!" instructs Lloyd. He hasn't quite grasped the concept either. While she does this, he furiously spanks a pomegranate over each plate. In. Public.

Appalled by this behaviour, Pete banishes the teams to the back room while the celebrity guest judges, who have been playing Call of Duty in the green room, emerge to be fed. Vicky and Celine's grilled prawns with chilli mayo are up first. "It's nice," says Colin, politely. Pete wants more excitement. The past week's events clearly haven't been enough for him. It's such a meh entree that Guy falls asleep and faceplants into his food (not shown).

There is more fun to be had with Annie and Lloyd's grilled squid and fennel and pomegranate salad. Colin gets to stare contemptuously at his squid on the fork. Pete gets to masticate grimly. Liz spends a lot of time sawing with her fork and knife. The verdict is not good. "It's just barely kissed the grill," Manu exclaims, passionately. Wow, as that chick from the Real Housewives of Melbourne would say.

The teams return to do their main course. "We're making miso salmon with tempura mushrooms. This dish is inspired by Japan," Annie says helpfully. As she is the head chef, she spends all her time making an avocado mash, leaving Lloyd to do 500 other things, such as cook the salmon, make the tempura batter, wash the dishes and do a burlesque number at halftime when the cabaret performer the producers booked fails to show. This actually gets him lots of respect from the crowd.

Vicky and Celine manage to run out of time on their layered beef moussaka, which is cooked with potato, eggplant, and beef and tomato sauce. Vicky runs out of bechamel sauce and is roundly berated by Celine. There's tension in the air. "Let's hope I can shake off the tension, I mean the teams can shake off the tension," says Pete, flapping nervously. "It's been very stressful. Not that I'm stressed."

In order to whip the audience into a frenzy, the producers turn up the generic drama music and cut frantically between the two camps as they yell random things at each other. "The eggplants aren't hard! That's really hot! Where's the green tea salt? What does the fox say?" Meanwhile the mob screams for blood on the sidelines.

Annie and Lloyd get much better marks for their main after all the yelling - the salmon marinaded in miso is crisp on top and melting inside. "It's like this team has been replaced..." says Colin wonderingly. "Replaced... with..." Cylons. Say it, Colin. Replaced with Cylons. But Vicky and Celine totally bomb out with their undercooked moussaka. "There's something very hard in the bottom," says one judge, poking uncertainly into the ramekin. It's a sentiment echoed in the rest of the studio, where everyone is gnawing on raw potato and hard eggplant.

Both teams are really off on the wrong foot with dessert. Celine has cooked the rice for their rosewater rizogalo in advance but during the break the rice has gone cold and hard like Kat's heart and stodgy like Adam's face. Meanwhile, Annie and Lloyd haven't even started making their chocolate puddings. Luckily Lloyd has a clever strategy. "Get it all over your hands," he tells Annie. Meanwhile Celine has "lost me nuts" and Vicky is forced to stir the hard rice until her arm falls off. She then forgets to rosewater the rizogalo and is punished with more stirring. Everything is just awful. "Layst tahm I saw something this kayotic, somebody had just ran into a beyhive," observes American Cowboy Dad. Give that man citizenship.

The teams retreat to the back rooms so that Vicky's stirring arm can be surgically reattached. The theme for Annie and Lloyd's dessert is "sloppy mess". The salted caramel ice cream hasn't set so they've tried to pass it off as a thick custard. The chocolate puddings can be summed up as "literally I can't". They'll have to be passed off as thick custard too. Vicky and Celine's rice puddings are greeted with an eyeroll by Paleo Pete. They're too damn sweet. (Also rice isn't paleo.) Annie and Lloyd's chocolate and salted caramel slops are so pathetically bad they're greeted with sympathy. "When I look at this, I just see heartache," says Liz. Stop it, Liz, they're playing you like a violin. Those half raw puddings and dribbling ice creams are the culinary equivalent of Puss in Boots doing sadface in Shrek 2. Harden your eggplants.

Vicky and Celine are awarded a hideous score of 27 but Annie and Lloyd score an even more embarrassing 22. They are eliminated but not before everyone is forced to sit through an eyeball-gouging montage of their worst and most annoyingly quirky moments. The smiling hipster demons have been banished. Use some raw chocolate pudding to paint an evil eye on your front door so they won't return for the children.