Things start well. Everyone is having fun on the ferry in the middle of Sydney Harbour, with the Cupcake Queens showing us they are as sharp as rolling pins, with the declaration: “We're on a ferry, we could be going anywhere.” While Samuel pointed out Julia Gillard's Sydney digs and said her name in an accent that left a funky taste in everyone's mouths.

Finally it dawns on Kerrie and Craig that Taronga Zoo is the final destination. Craig recognises the place because that's where he met his wife, and with that charming sneak peek into their marriage we're off to watch either the teams catching their next piece of protein, or to witness Ashlee and Sophie literally feed the Real Housewives, Angela and Melina, to the lions.

In reality, the idea of sourcing ingredients from a zoo with 200 children running around, while issuing the threat of “sudden death”, combine to create a dish I'd call “Too Soon”.

This is reality TV, however, so the more dramatic the elements, the better. Especially for tonight's ratings dish. But if man-eater Brynne Edelsten makes a cameo, I'm out, a girl can only take so much in 40 minutes.

After the obligatory shots of giraffes, gorillas and a tiger attacking a chicken carcass, we learn the teams are not cooking for the zoo keepers or the animals, as predicted by Angela, but for a herd of kids (Ashlee's words, not mine) who are visiting the enclosures today.

The Cupcake Queens are very excited about having to create a “delicious and nutritious lunch” for 200 kids because one of them is a mum and surprisingly cooks for her children every day.

Forget NAPLAN, forgot Gonski, forget childcare costs, the BIGGEST challenge facing Australian parents today is deciding what to fill their children's lunchboxes with, according to Pete Evans.

Move over tuck shop, television is here to show you how it's done.

Jake and Elle, who, judging by their vernacular are still enrolled at Ridgemont High, are very excited but stressed about today's “hectic and epic” challenge.

With under an hour to cook, the teams dash off to the pantry. The Cupcake Queens tell us they are making chicken drumsticks covered in Cornflakes. “I don't know what it is but I get the most amazing satisfaction about watching my kids eat good food. It's the best feeling in the world,” Mother of the Year, Joanna, says, as Jenna “hides some herbs in the egg mixture”. Where there's a Ying there's always a Yang.

Meanwhile over on planet Bitch, “babes” Ashlee and Sophie have decided to create meatball subs with a tomato and herb salad. “We're not cooking Asian today. It's all about being appropriate because we're not going to cook a beef noodle soup for a kid's lunch are we?” Sophia says, while issuing the "Julie Bishop death stare" or "shade" for those in the know.

Dan and Steph are making “Zooshi” and then spend an hour explaining how clever they are for creating such a witty and on brand name for their chicken sushi with barbecue sauce.

Jake and Elle agree that “kids are crazy for sushi” and admit “Zooshi” is the biggest threat to their chicken and cheese taquitos with Mexican rice and guacamole. Before you dash off to Google “taquitos” let me fill in the blanks – it's a fancy way of saying “chicken wrapped in tortilla bread”. Jake is refusing to simplify the name even though kids don't know what they are. “I mean it's not chicken nuggets but it's yummy, it's hip, it's Mexican, it's chicken,” he claims.

Manu and Pete are deliberating over what they are expecting from tonight's dishes, which are being created next to the monkey enclosure and in close proximity to smelly koalas. They both agree they want to masticate on something fun and healthy, with texture and flavour.

Cut to the Kath and Kel, aka Kerrie and Craig, who are determined to create the food version of “the most famous children's book of the new age” – the Hungry Caterpillar. Nothing says childhood literary classic like lettuce herb balls with lamb skewers and tzatziki.

After what feels like an eternity of euphemisms about balls we move onto the personal trainers, who are acting like henchmen of Michelle Obama's child obesity brigade. Having walked us through the nutritional count of their pea and broccoli mash, we discover they are also making spelt pasta spag bog.

The Real Housewives have decided to go gimmicky with their dish and whip up some savoury muffins with monkey faces on them, or as Angela calls them “funky monkey muffins”. “If I was a kid I would want to eat a monkey's face,” Mrs Hannibal Lecter adds.

Ashlee and Sophie learn of the funky monkey muffins and sarcastically scoff and throw barbed insults accordingly. Then they get back to the task at hand – making meatball sandwiches for “some of the world's harshest critics” who can not yet vote, dine alone, drink or drive legally.

Hipsters Josh and Andi have jumped on the primate swing too and are making baboon beef patties, with zucchini fries. Manu is concerned about the health guidelines of their dish and runs off to ensure all the baboons are accounted for.

Ali and Samuel, who have about as much energy and zest for this challenge as the resident polar bear in summer, are making chicken skewers and stir fried vegetables. Pete is pumped at this offering because “kids love walking around with things on sticks”. Apologies if Evans' progeny are reading this but forget the iPads kids, this Christmas you're getting small pieces of bamboo.

The Cupcake Queens, who love the colour pink more than life itself, don't want their chicken to be pink because a) it looks bad and b) it could cause food poisoning.

The issue of under cooking things is not of huge concern to Chris and Sam who are busy rolling their pork and vegetable sausage rolls and chips, with only a few minutes left on the clock.

After the obligatory “babes” montage, Ashlee and Sophie drop a whole tray of their cooked meatballs on the ground. Thankfully they decide they cannot be salvaged, even though they spent less than 10 seconds on the concrete of Australia's most popular zoo.

The heat and glare is proving difficult for all of the teams, except Angela and Melina who feel like they are in Italy getting a tan. “They may think we're glamorous women with big hair,” they say, as Seven overlays vision of them making bracelets out of cheese, “but we're mums and if anyone's going to win this challenge it's going to be us.” Because it is a truth universally acknowledged: you need to have had a Caesar - the procedure not just the salad or European ruler - before you can relate to children.

Luke and Scott are still offering sound bites to impress the Heart Foundation, Kerrie and Craig have turned their balls black, and Sam burns himself numerous times before time is up. The 200 soldiers of adolescence come bursting into the zoo like Gestapo protégés chanting: “MKR, MKR, MKR.”

The healthy message is definitely lost somewhere between the kids screwing their noses up at Ali and Samuel's vegetables before loading up with more than two plates of food each. Not even Jenna's creepy cries of “do you want to try our crunchy chicken wings” quashes their appetites.

Luke and Scott call for “three cheers for healthy food”, while an up-and-coming food critic whinges to the camera that he's been waiting far too long for Sam and Chris's hot chips and is disappointed because they are raw.

As Manu struggles to wrap his laughing gear around Ashlee and Sophie's meatball sub, some other mini-Matt Preston describes some of the other dishes on offer as “blurgh” and “I could eat it all day”.

No one wants to sample the funky monkey muffins because everyone is over the age of three.

Cut to a shot of a goat standing on a rock with the Harbour Bridge in background. Pete and Manu pick over the bones before preparing to crown the “Children's Choice” team and secondly, naming the pair that will be sent to the Sudden Death round.

Pete, the king of the monosyllabic review, reveals something intimate... he has a crush on Jake and Elle's taquitos. “Mexican”, “spice”, “children” he says before giving them the thumbs up. He then tells the Cupcake Queens that their chicken was “out of this world”.

Manu likes Ashlee and Sophie's juicy balls but hates Sam and Chris's raw pork sausage rolls.

When it came to discussing the Real Housewives' funky monkey muffins with popcorn side-dish, the great adage “if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all” was adopted.

The judges quickly changed the subject and crowned the Cupcake Queens the winners because “kids can relate to Cornflake coated chicken and corn.”

Meanwhile Ali, Samuel and their dry chicken were sent to the kitchen of sudden death.

Note: No children or animals living in captivity were harmed during the making of this recap.