It should be heavenly, of course; it's what you have been dreaming of throughout the dark damp days of winter. But the unfortunate truth is that those dreams don't always dovetail; just as some like to lounge and others to kite-surf, one person's Cloud Nine is another's Seventh Circle. So hanging out with the wrong holiday tribe could ruin your R&R.

"A couple of years ago, we went away with friends who have children the same age because we knew they would entertain each other," says Melissa, 37. "But it was a nightmare. My husband likes to catch up on reading; hers was dressed like a giant toddler in half-mast shorts and a football shirt and kept pacing around complaining of boredom. The wife was such a control freak in the kitchen that I was relegated to sous chef; she even corrected my chopping technique. I cried in my room most days."

That trip to Puglia ended a beautiful friendship – for all of six months. Melissa shamefacedly admits she invited them last year as well. "The kids had such a great time and, with the passage of time, I'd forgotten how awful it was," she concedes. "My husband was incandescent with rage when he found out we were going with them again. He effectively opted out and spent the fortnight in a corner of the garden getting quietly sozzled with a book."

Holidays are freighted with such expectation, it's a wonder more of them don't end in tears. Tales abound of disgruntled guests slipping outside for a cigarette and a bitch about the hostess but forgetting to shut the French windows (that disgruntled guest would be me), the houseproud coming to blows with the slovenly (sorry, that was also me, washing up not being my strongest suit), and frisky couples putting the headboard through its paces (definitely not me).

"What's that scary noise, Mummy?" inquired my sleep-rumpled toddler one year. "That's your uncle and his new lady friend swatting mosquitoes darling, come into our bed."

Bedroom arrangements are always a flashpoint. Single parent Verity Armitage, 36, says she feels like a charity case, even though she pays her way. "Everyone's kids all pile into the largest bedroom, which is fair enough, but because I'm on my own, I always get the windowless cell or the day bed in the sitting room," she sighs. "I always feel so grateful to be invited that as a coping mechanism I become weirdly passive and just go with the flow in a spaced-out sort of way."

In theory, the one group of people with whom you ought to feel relaxed, is family. In practice, however, the opposite can be true. "My wife's parents are loaded, and one year they invited all three of their daughters with families over to their villa in Spain, which was very generous," says Giles Wright, 42.

"I was really looking forward to playing golf and going to bars with the other dads, but as soon as we arrived my mother-in-law announced that we were there to give our wives a break. We spent a week doing childcare while they sunned themselves and went shopping. We even got told off for drinking beer 'on duty'."

But while group dynamics can be tricky, two weeks rattling round with just your children and each other can be a far bigger challenge to all but the most easy-going of couples. Managing a gang of kids can be far less work than squabbling siblings or tirelessly entertaining a singleton. But forewarned is forearmed, so to help you have a harmonious time, however many of you there are, we've compiled a guide to surviving this year's getaway.

Nearest and dearest

Nuclear families always have the potential to explode, so planning is paramount. Those with infants who are early risers are well advised to share the pain by getting up on alternate mornings; two slightly tired parents are preferable to one chipper and one exhausted, grumpy one.

Sacrifice suitcase space for games and toys. Crafts are a great distraction and your offspring will (fingers crossed) spend hours searching for materials. Bring the basics: glue, markers and paints to make sand and shell pictures or decorate stones. Treasure hunts are another winner: hide small coins or sweets – it's about the search, not the prize. Limit WiFi or DVD time, while dressing it up as a fabulous treat. Cinema afternoons (buy or make popcorn) will keep them out of the sun and give grown-ups time for reading or a siesta – and the stamina to survive until wine o'clock.

Happy families

Multiple family houseshares are fun but can be frustrating without agreed guidelines. Decide who gets which room well in advance; the one who booked the property and has done the lion share of the planning gets priority. Try to achieve a clear consensus on potential flashpoints like a communal kitty, cooking and the children's technology time. Assign bedtime duty and award a prize for first to get the lights out. By day, don't feel obliged to follow the crowd; set your own itinerary so you're not in each other's pockets. By night, establish a babysitting roster so you can go out – no matter how annoying your companions, that alone will recalibrate your sense of camaraderie.

With friends like these???

Friends booking a break without children in the mix really ought to have the ultimate relaxing time. But hearty, active sorts who want to explore don't always see eye to eye with those who prefer sunbathing and solitude. Here, compromise and communication are the key so your one big happy group doesn't end dissolving into disparate cliques. Inevitably there will be some bossy boots who wants to chivvy everybody else and probably push a few noses out of joint – don't let them.

By all means encourage them to suggest excursions (somebody has to) but don't allow them to make the sedentary feel guilty. Frankly, if the beach brigade discover what a great time you had at the archaeological dig or market, they may decide to have a go in their own good time. Better still, they might make supper and have it ready when you return. Live and let live or you may never speak again.

Granny knows best

Holidays hosted by grandparents or other relatives may save money, but sometimes you ought to look a gift horse in the mouth. The opportunity for grandchildren to be spoiled by their grandparents is always a treat for them. But it can lead to ill-will as the parent in the middle vividly recalls a lack of pampering when they were growing up. More saliently, all of us – even those in their 40s – become different (and whisper it, less lovable) creatures in the presence of our parents.

Husbands are transformed into helpless mummy's boys. Wives revert to rebellious teenagerdom. Adult siblings with children (ergo old enough to know better) covertly look for signs of favouritism to fan the flames of childhood rivalries. If leavened with humour, this can be wonderfully amusing. If not then maybe just stay a week rather than a fortnight. Or offload the kids and head home. Sometimes, you can't do better than a self-indulgent staycation.

Telegraph, London

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