Jackie French: Investment of the year

A packet of lettuce seed costs about the same as a lettuce, depending on the variety of lettuce or brand of seeds. If you eat two lettuces a day, with a few days off for eating out and extra lettuces added for guests minus a few costs for fertiliser, unless you make your own compost, that is the best feed ever for a lettuce, you will make about 3000 per cent on your investment.

Normally I would advise you to be hesitant if someone offers you a 3000 per cent return on an investment, especially an irrefutably green one. But in this case it will not only be profitable but deeply delicious. You will also wonder why you never did it before.

The trick with lettuce is to plant a pinch a week from spring to autumn, of a nice hardy variety like Buttercrunch, which grows to the perfect size for two people and one meal or one greedy person for afternoon tea. This will give you about 20 lettuces a week, two a day and a little left over, which will be no problem at all to eat as they will be as sweet as their name suggests and can be eaten as a main feature, lettuce hearts topped with stir-fried chicken and a touch of oyster sauce, perhaps, or a giant mushroom baked till soft with lemon juice, olive oil and garlic, the hot dressing poured over the lettuce when you add the mushroom.

There are very few sandwiches that can't be improved with a few lettuce leaves, or even a lot of lettuce leaves. Use them as "cups" for other salads, or anything you want to serve as finger food. And the more lettuce you use, the less you will need to buy of other things.

Lettuce do need feeding and watering every day in hot weather, or better still, early every morning when you and the world are cool and delightful and the lettuce will dry out during the day and not turn slimy. Morning water also slightly inhibits slugs and snails, though a more certain way is to take an empty ice-cream container, cut two "doors" in the base, tape the lid on then pour some snail bait into the doors. Place two or three in your garden. The snails will enter, eat and die there, other non-target species will be safe and watering and rain won't destroy the pellets. Replace every month or so, though after the first spring flush of snails you may not need to, so once will be all you need.

I scatter on plant food, often decayed chook manure because we have chooks and they contribute liberally, about every three weeks, though if your soil has been fed well with compost you won't need anything else.

Mulch, because as well as keeping weeds down and soil moist, mulch will also stop lettuce bolting to seed, though most varieties sold these days are pretty heat tolerant, nor do they turn bitter in mid-summer. Then pick.

The best place to store lettuce is in the garden, definitely not the fridge that robs them of all flavour. (If you don't think lettuce has flavour you definitely need to grow your own.)

Pick just before serving, wash in cold water, thoroughly if there is any chance of slugs, and shake well to get rid of all the water, which will make the leaves go limp faster once you add salad dressing. A quick fan dance with the lettuce in your outstretched hands will do it, which won't look at all odd if you dash out the back door to dance in private. It is also good exercise, as good as the growing of the lettuce in the first place.

Come to think of it, you may be able to give up your gym membership too. And the dance class. Even more cash to add to that 3000 per cent return, the best (personal) green investment* around.

* Author's disclaimer. This does not include the vastly profitable green investments the government might make, but isn't.