It's a little known fact about me that if I had to pick one era to travel back in time to and live forever it would be the Wild West. I've often pictured myself as the hard but soft-hearted and somewhat sassy madam who heads up the best little whorehouse. Looking after my girls and the men who come to visit us. Downing a whisky with the gun slingers, tender with tough men leading tough lives. Don't mess with me. I know how to handle a shotgun, I've got a knife tucked in my garter and I'm not afraid to use them. But come on in and let me find you some lovin' for the night if your money is good.
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Well, there you go. Crazy admission of the week. A week where I've been thinking about my other life thanks to a viewing of The Magnificent Seven.
And, despite some reviews, magnificent it was. I love a western. As a child I loved nothing better than curling up on the lounge with my father on a rainy Sunday afternoon and watching John Wayne mess with the bad guys. True Grit is my favourite movie of all time. I loved The Cowboys and cry even now when I watch it. The Comancheros, Rio Bravo, North to Alaska, The Searchers, Rooster Cogburn and The Shootist, the Duke's last film. Now there's a filmography worth binge watching.
I remember, years back, we ran a Relax cover entitled something like Where have all the real men gone? I indulged myself and put John Wayne on the cover and the story questioned the idea of whether today's leading men compared to the likes of Wayne.
Of course they do, but there is just something so manly about a man in a hat and a heeled pair of boots.
And with this rendition of The Magnificent Seven we can once again celebrate that. Denzel Washington and Ethan Hawke are two of the big names. Excellent both, tortured by something, but brave and strong. The supporting cast of Vincent D'Onofrio, Byung-hun Lee, Manuel Garcia-Rulfo and Martin Sensmeier each plays their role with a mix of toughness and humour.
But the world is saved by Chris Pratt. Sigh. He'd have his name on the door at my whorehouse let me tell you. This little chunk of manliness with a killer grin. I loved him in Zero Dark Thirty and became completely besotted after Guardians of the Galaxy. And now here, he is magnificent.
I've often wondered why the western never really made a serious comeback. Clint Eastwood, God bless him, has made some serious attempts, Unforgiven and Pale Rider. Russell Crowe's remake of 3:10 to Yuma was well received. We'll give Kevin Costner Dances with Wolves and Open Range. And the Coen brothers remake of True Grit, was almost, almost as good as the first.
I wonder why it is, too, that war movies continue to be made - that was the other thing on offer on the lounge on a rainy Sunday - and maybe it's because we find new wars to be fought.
But surely the war of the western is also eternal, good versus bad, throw in an ugly; the little man against the big; people defending their homes and dreams. As Emma Cullen, the young woman who hires the magnificent men, replies when Sam Chisholm/Denzel asks her if she seeks revenge? "I seek righteousness. But I'll take revenge."
Has the superhero movie perhaps replaced the western? There is speculation that The Avengers has actually spawned from Akira Kurosawa's Seven Samurai, upon which The Magnificent Seven, in both its incarnations was based on. Pratt's own Guardians of the Galaxy was similar, gather a bunch of misfits and outcasts and have them protect the good guys.
They'd all be welcome in my whorehouse - and I'm deadly serious about this whacky little fantasy of mine - the misfits, the outcasts, the brave and the broken - because let's face it, that's what makes people interesting and human. A frailty of character, a scar, a secret. Everyone is broken in some regards, at my whorehouse it wouldn't be about fixing those cracks but accepting people for who they are, with open arms and an open heart.
