"Haters gonna hate" is almost certainly what Walter Burley Griffin would say were he alive to see how little love Canberra gets from the rest of this sunburnt and rapidly peeling country.
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No matter how often the OECD declares Canberra the best place on earth to live, no matter how many Skywhales soar majestically through the Belconnen skies, hipsters in Melbourne and Sydney continue to snigger into their craft beers.
It's hard to tell what they're saying through the beards and mouthfuls of pulled pork, but usually it's something about too many roundabouts and too little to do. Add in those crazy madcap antics politicians get up to in the course of making decisions in the national interest and you have a city used to being laughed at. But, the tables will turn this month. For it is Canberra who'll be doing the laughing; The Canberra Comedy Festival opens on 17 March.
Fifty-nine shows over six days, many in venues not within walking distance of a roundabout, puts paid to the notion this town is all about the sweet spot between well-organised traffic and boredom.
It's not just about quantity either: The festival has attracted some huge names. While font size has something to do with it, it's not the whole story. There is an amazing line-up of overseas comedians descending on Canberra International Airport (following transit at a real international airport): Jason Byrne (Ireland), Mike Wilmot (Canada), Urzila Carlson (South Africa/NZ), Wil Sylvince (US) and Sarah Kendall (UK). Plus, some of the best Australian talent: The Umbilical Brothers, Ronny Chieng, Peter Hellier, Akmal Saleh, Cal Wilson, Nazeem Hussien, Sammy J & Randy, and John Safran.
All this is built on the strength of the local comedy scene. Every week there's some comedy on somewhere, whether it be at the Civic Pub, the Front Bar and Gallery in Lyneham, the Pot Belly Bar in Belconnen, Polit Bar in Kingston, or the Royal in Queanbeyan.
Some of the same faces pop up at these different nights, honing their material. You can see a joke initially floated at the Front to a packed house of inner-north types sipping Coopers Pale Ale, refined a bit at the Pot in the presence of eight locals and three other comics waiting to take the stage, then nailed at Civic Pub in front of patrons who are just relieved there is one place on Lonsdale Street that doesn't look like a discarded set of Portlandia.
For most it's a hobby – something done on the side while otherwise studying, serving the national interest through the public service or otherwise studying or serving those who serve the public, or something. Others are on the up-and-up and it won't be long before you see them on the Project, or some ABC2 cult series.
I talked to Dave Graham, one of the festival's organisers, and someone who I'd describe as one of the elder statesman of Canberra comedy were it less likely to result in an uppercut to the nose for my impertinence, about the typical evolution for those trying to get into stand-up in Canberra.
A few solid open mic performances might get you invited to be a support act for a small headline show (5-7 minutes before one of the more established local comics). Perhaps a gig before 20-30 people at Civic Pub. Go OK at that, and more gigs might follow. Soon, you're headlining Edinburgh and you're using champagne as shampoo (OK, maybe there's a few steps I've missed in that last bit). Dave name checks Dayne Rathbone, Tom Gibson and Hamish Hudson as some of the best he has seen in Canberra.
A few years ago, Canberra's only comedy outlet was the ACT heat of the national RAW Comedy competition. A bunch of local comics established a regular night at the Front in Lyneham, then the Comedy Club at Civic Pub. As that gained traction, a festival made sense. First held in 2013, with 20 shows at ANU and Civic Pub, it was a great success. Last year upped the ante with over 50 shows, stars such as Jimeoin, Charlie Pickering, Hannah Gadsby, Tom Gleeson, Rod Quantock, The Chaser guys, and the reunion, back where it all started, of Canberra's Doug Anthony Allstars.
I've sought out Dave because, as long-time readers of the Canberra Times, and, in fact, infrequent flighty types who just happened to pick it up on December 12, will know, I've dabbled in open mic stand-up in the past. My first stand-up experience was to win a bet, and I thought I'd happily walk away – bet won, experience had.
But I got hooked. (Who knew gambling and addiction could go together like that?). Since that first experience, where I like to think I burst on the scene as a middle-aged prodigy – were it not a total distortion of the meaning of the words "burst" and "prodigy" – I've had my share of ups and downs.
As always, Ronan Keating was right. Life really is like a rollercoaster. (Not a highway, Tom Cochrane. What were you thinking?). I've had that horrible feeling of throwing a joke out, and the all engulfing sound of silence, broken only by an audible groan of distaste. (I can't fault the groaner. The offending joke: "I'm reading Caspar's autobiography. It's good, but I reckon it was ghost-written." Ugh).
However, I've decided that just because I might not be very good at something is no reason to stop doing it (Imagine if neurologists took that approach). So, I've entered the ACT RAW Comedy heat, which is being run as part of the festival. Meaning, I'm terrified, and looking for tips.
In return for advice Dave gets me to hand out Comedy Festival flyers at the Canberra Centre (leaving it until after completing my flyer duties to break it to me that he has never made it past the heat stage of RAW).
Handing out promotional material is an absolute masterclass in avoiding eye contact. And it's an art I know well. I've tried every trick in the book to avoid the backpackers trying to sign people up for monthly debit donations to some worthwhile international development cause. The sudden need to send a text, the unexpected loss of peripheral vision and hearing, the urgent purposeful stride so as not to be late for browsing aimlessly in Landspeed Records. All were tried, and all failed – until I realised that the only trick that really works is signing up for all of them. Some people might think handing out programs is a much easier gig than signing people up to financial commitments, but, fundamentally, people do not want to be stopped by random strangers talking to them about something – global hunger, human rights, comedy, whatever.
Some people see the comedy festival sign and make a beeline for us, keen to know more. Others, strolling rather leisurely, catch sight of us, and a look of panic crosses their faces momentarily, until they gather themselves and go into a purposefully vacant stare until they're passed us. Fair enough. Those people probably don't have a sense of humour anyway. Enough grab a program, though, to make me think the festival is on a winner. In fact, the Opening Gala, and then an Encore performance (where the same comedians will do their set at the Opening Gala, then shuffle across to the encore) has already sold out.
The message – as always – life just won't wait. (Stop reading this right now and go buy a ticket. Don't worry, I'll just chill here until you're done. Okay, you're back? Excellent, let's plough on then.)
As well as the established names, there are some high-quality local shows. I ask some of them their thoughts on stand-up in Canberra, the festival and their shows, hoping to make my article funnier by using other people's material.
Andrew Bensley, who's performing Brother from the Same Mother with his brother Danny (and both are two seriously funny dudes), got into stand-up "because there's something wrong with me". He says that even simply as a fan of comedy, the festival's ability to attract the quality it does is fantastic. Award-winning cabaret/comedy duo Sparrow-Folk – "Flight of the Conchords, but with better costumes" – describe the festival as "SummerNats meets Question Time meets Hand Made Markets but with funny stuff and free beer….and false advertising". Their new show, SuBIRDia, promises, rather evocatively, to be akin to "The Kransky Sisters, naked, under a Hills Hoist".
If that all wasn't enough to do, the Late Night Festival Club will keep Canberra kicking on. Running 10pm until late on the Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights, it'll be a mix of comedians from the festival and up-and-coming local talent, marshalled by a special guest each night.
You know the joke about two comedians walking into a bar? It's not a joke. They often do go to bars, so you're likely to see some of the headliners there. And frankly, probably some amateurs. You might find me there Thursday night, drowning my sorrows after five minutes of hearing tumbleweeds roll through the ANU Arts Theatre during my Raw Comedy bit.
Other than that specific moment, it promises to be a great festival. So get out there Canberra. Let's show Australia just how much of a laughing stock this town can really be. Oh, and Dave Graham's tips for me? Be on time. And, be funny. Great.
For more information see:
Festival - http://canberracomedyfestival.com.au/
Comedy throughout the year - http://comedyact.com.au/
Specific comedians:
Andrew Bensley, (Brother from the Same Mother):
1. Who should go to your show?
Anyone and everyone (except my Year 6 girlfriend Cindy).
2. Are there any peculiarities of Canberra audiences?
They're generally nice.
3. Any other shows you think are unmissable?
Nick Cody, Daniel Townes, Josh and Riley, Harris Stuckey, Daniel Connell, Sophie Rutzou.
4. Why did you get into stand-up?
There is something wrong with me.
5. Any thoughts on the Canberra Comedy Festival?
As a fan I'm just glad it exists and that it gets such a great line-up of comedians.
6. I'm entered in Raw Comedy - any tips for me to rocket to superstardom (or, at least not die a slow, agonising five minutes)?
Don't let the audience know how close you are to evacuating your bowels.
Sparrow Folk (SuBIRDia)
1. Who should go to your show?
Well, our show is based on living in the suburbs of Canberra so if you want to make sure it's not about you then you had better come along.
2. Are there any peculiarities of Canberra audiences?
Yes, we wrote a whole show about them. In fact, we're not comedians – we're just people watchers.
3. Any other shows you think are unmissable?
We've heard that Game of Thrones is a good show, but apparently not available to everyone. So if you don't have Foxtel, come to our show instead or you could go and check out another local Sophie Rutzou – she's actually funny.
4. Why did you get into stand-up?
We don't always do stand-up; our show does involve some sitting down and on a good night, a bit of lying down (not to mention some nudity thrown in for good measure).
5. Any thoughts on the Canberra Comedy Festival?
It's SummerNats meets Question Time meets Hand Made Markets, but with funny stuff and free beer….and false advertising.
6. I'm entered in Raw Comedy – any your tips for me to rocket to superstardom (or, at least not die a slow, agonising five minute death?)
Ask your Dad for his best jokes…and then do everything but tell those. Or ask Siri…
