You came down to the club for a quiet Saturday night to celebrate that EL2 promotion from earlier in the week, but you've just stumbled into a circus.
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Sitting to your left is a socially unstable, tattooed, middle-aged bald man wearing a yellow and black jacket covered in badges cultivated in the 1970s.
On your right is an 18-year-old wearing a navy blue and white hooped shirt, with whiskers painted on her face.
It's AFL grand final night...Who should you support, and how on Earth are you going to survive the next two hours?
RICHMOND TIGERS
Long gone are the days when Richmond was the AFL's laughing stock.
The Tigers are enjoying one of the most successful periods in their history, and are shooting for a third premiership in four seasons having not won one since 1980 prior to that.
That guy with the neck tattoos? He's Dustin Martin - the game's most destructive player.
Number nine? Trent Cotchin. The captain, and arguably the most influential in the league. You'll find him at the coal face of every contest, digging out the footy and dishing it off to the likes of Martin and co.
Who's that tall guy the Geelong boys are all running into? Tom Lynch. This is his second year at the club, and he's one of the league's most dangerous forwards. He'll be targeted all day by the Cats, but that might just free up Jack Riewoldt to do the damage.
Why you should support the Tigers: You like wild, untamed big cats as opposed to a domesticated feline. You like exciting, fast-moving football. And if you jump on board now, you haven't had to endure the 35 years of misery that preceded the 2017 flag.
Handy knowledge bombs: Richmond's first flag came in 1920, exactly 100 years ago, and they are shooting for a 13th. The club almost went bust in 1990, but was saved largely thanks to the 'Save Our Skins' campaign headed by club legend Jack Dyer.
What to say: "I might get myself a neck tattoo if the Tigers win this."
What not to say: "I hope footy is the real winner."
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GEELONG CATS
The Cats are chasing a 10th premiership, and will likely start the game as the underdog but there's not much in it.
They were far too good for Brisbane last weekend, and Brisbane beat Richmond in the first week of the finals so that potentially bodes well for Geelong.
Favourite son Gary Ablett is looking to retire as a premiership winner, while Patrick Dangerfield is desperate to land his first AFL flag after moving to the Cats five years ago. Veteran Harry Taylor is the sentry down back and up forward big Tom Hawkins is forever capable of breaking a game open.
It's a fascinating grand final, pitting the league's two longest-serving coaches against its two best captains.
Geelong's Chris Scott won a flag in his first year coaching the club in 2011, and has been keen to repeat the dose ever since. Captain Joel Selwood, meanwhile, has three premiership rings and will no doubt spill some facial blood for the cause at some stage throughout the evening.
Scott's gameplan is one of structure, and defensive soundness. He'll try and make this a low-scoring, dour affair and if the Cats get it on their terms and stop the surging Tigers football, they'll win the match.
Why you should support the Cats: You like fairytales, you grew up west of Melbourne and you drive a Ford. And if you're a Jeremy Cameron fan - Geelong are trying to sign the Giants' superstar for 2021.
Handy knowledge bombs: Gary Ablett Senior is potentially the greatest player to have never won a premiership. The club was formed in 1859 making it the second oldest in Australia. Geelong's 119-point triumph over Port Adelaide in the 2007 grand final is still a record winning margin.
What to say: "Geez, that Dangerwood is a pretty decent player."
What not to say: "Is that the same Gary Ablett that used to play in the 1980s?"
James Buckley
James is a Queanbeyan boy enjoying his second stint at the Canberra Times, more than eight years on from his first. In between he's traveled the world, and spent time covering sport in Sydney.
James is a Queanbeyan boy enjoying his second stint at the Canberra Times, more than eight years on from his first. In between he's traveled the world, and spent time covering sport in Sydney.
