Why we self-sabotage and how to stop it

I knew I was stuck and I believed there was no way out, despite the looming deadline.

But if there's one perk to this job it's being able to talk to people who are experts in their field.

Once, the acclaimed chef Yotam Ottolenghi gave me some ideas about how to use all the spinach growing in my garden.

Another time Married at First Sight relationship expert John Aiken gave me some dating tips.

Needless to say, Ottolenghi's potato and spinach pie was a bigger success.

So it's quite fortuitous that this interview is with Dr Rebecca Ray, clinical psychologist and author. The book is Small Habits for a Big Life, a practical guide to "getting unstuck", she explains, helping us realise why, and how, we self-sabotage our efforts, and why we procrastinate so much because it seems like the easiest thing to do.

All I needed to do was read over my notes again to figure out how I was approaching this task from the wrong direction.

"Self-sabotage is anything we do that gets in the way of what we need or want to be doing and it can become a habit that may affect any area of our lives," Ray says.

"A little Netflix is much easier than going to the gym, and before you know it, you haven't exercised in months.

"A busy period at work might become years of long hours that could easily lead to burnout.

"You tell yourself that some day, when you've got time, you'll open your own art studio. But some day is not a day of the week.

"The fear of failing has your inner critic screaming at you to stay safe in your comfort zone."

With close to two decades in the industry, Ray says we shouldn't be too hard on ourselves - self-sabotage is actually driven by biology.

"As human beings we are wired to reduce our discomfort as much as possible," she says.

"Minds don't like change, even when it's change for the better.

"They remain invested in staying the same because it's easy, and easy means minimal discomfort, which is exactly what humans primarily seek.

"If your emotional brain is already enjoying a desirable - read convenient - state of being, convincing it to strive for a better way of being won't happen without resistance."

But that doesn't mean change is impossible, she says.

Being aware that you're not where you want to be is the first step. The next is asking yourself what are the reasons why you want to change.

"Self-sabotage disconnects you from who you want to be," she says.

"The disconnect exists because you are acting in a way that doesn't fit the values that are important to you.

"To live an expansive, inspired life, we need to take actions in line with our values, which means realigning our habits to fit the things that are most important to us."

She says we too often get caught up in setting goals, without thinking about why they are important.

Exercising and eating healthy is not about losing weight, but actions that support values of health and vitality.

Travelling to far-off places and trying new things is about supporting values of adventure and courage.

Writing a book - perhaps even a single story - is about fostering creativity and contributing artistically to the world.

"Sometimes we get confronted by a decision that we've made that goes against the grain of ourselves, rather than working with ourselves," she says.

"At that point, when it starts to become really uncomfortable, we're forced to take a look at how we're living, rather than just what we're doing."

Ray had to ask herself these questions at one point in her life.

She started studying psychology straight out of school - "I thought that it would give me all the answers about why humans do what they do" - but not long into her degree she decided she wanted to be a pilot.

Her grandfather had his private license and she loved flying with him, those times are still some of her most cherished memories.

She sat the tests, did the flight time, and actually went on to achieve her own license.

"But flying actually made me feel unwell," she says.

"It got to the point where I'd have to pull over on the way to the airport to dry retch, it made me so anxious.

"I realised I was pushing myself to do something that didn't come naturally at all."

But shouldn't we push ourselves a little out of our comfort zone? How else do we grow and learn?

"While I'm a big fan of overcoming fears, flying absolutely failed to take into consideration my personality style, my non-negotiable need for routine.

"While I could fly well, doing more of it wasn't going to help me lead my best life."

She says if there's anything the past few years of the pandemic have taught us is that striving for that best life isn't quite as self-indulgent as we were led to believe.

"We only get this one chance, and we don't know how long that chance is going to be, to live fully, meaningfully and richly," she says.

"The lesson there is are you living in alignment with your values? And if not, then how are you going to feel about that when it gets to the end of your days?

"Is this really how you want to be using your time?"