YOU will recall the extremes of Andrew Symonds's reaction at allegedly being called a "monkey" by Harbhajan Singh last year. You will remember that just a few weeks back, it was the lack of appropriate punishment for Singh that was still supposedly eating away at Symonds and was in part responsible for his recent slightly erratic behaviour, which saw him dropped from the Australian team. It is all the more surprising, then, to read Indian batsman Robin Uthappa describe the worst sledge he'd ever heard.
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"When Andrew Symonds laughingly called me 'a baby gorilla', during a CB series match in Adelaide," the dashing right-hander told The Wisden Cricketer Magazine in an interview. "Even though both teams were involved in some hard exchanges during the course of the tournament, I found that really funny."
A very good thing he found it funny, too. Because if he hadn't, and had decided to report Symonds, it would have blown the Queenslander's moral outrage out of the water. It's a one-gran army Over at Torquay in south-west England last week, 68-year-old Janet Lane was sitting on a park bench waiting for a friend when three thugs happened by and, seeing a defenceless little old lady, snatched her handbag and ran off. Ah, but this wasn't just any little old lady. A former cross-country champion who these days keeps fit by swimming and walking, Lane decided to give chase, zeroing in on the brute who had her bag.
"There was no way I was going to sit there and let them get away with it," she said. "Without thinking, I jumped up and ran after them as fast as I could. I was screaming at them, too. I felt outraged."
Up hill, down dale, across car parks she kept going, closing on him all the time … until finally she got the wretch by the collar. "He was so afraid he dropped my bag, but then managed to wriggle free."
RAH! Them's fighting words Too long for Quotes of the Week, but too strong to leave out. Azumah Nelson blew up this week, maintaining Jeff Fenech and Max Markson owe him money after his recent comeback bout with the Marrickville Mauler.
Tell 'em, Azumah: "I deal with God directly. Nobody does something to me and go free. [Fenech] is going to put himself in a big problem. But if I know before the fight that some people tell lies, then I would have knocked him out.
"His family so worried I hurt him, so I tell them, no, I will not hurt him. I tried to fight him like I was sparring with him, because he don't know how to box. First fight, second fight, third fight, he don't know how to box … just walk up going bang, bang, bang. After the fifth round he was puffing like a cow. He was so tired I had to hold him up." Don't come the raw pawn, India Black Knight to White King 4.
Even as we speak, as if you didn't know, the World Chess Championship is underway in Bonn, Germany. As reported on crikey.com.au, it pits Vladimir Kramnik - unbeaten since he whupped Garry Kasparov in 2000 - against Viswanathan Anand from India, "perhaps the greatest natural talent of the era and recently voted India's greatest sportsman of the past 60 years."
Sachin Tendulkar, Anand's main rival each year as Indian Sportsman of the Year, was only fourth. You with me? What is WRONG with those Indians?
Vaunting someone for their ability to move little black and white pieces around, above and beyond someone who can hit cover drives and square cuts that make the gods weep with pleasure?
Doesn't it say something about India as a nation that they could so appreciate the skills of a chess player, so value intelligence over brawn, that they could vote a chess player their greatest "sportsman"?
Thank Gawd we're not like that, I say. I mean, if we had someone that skilled in chess, there is no doubt that he or she would attract attention, but be voted as Australia's greatest sportsman? No chance. Scary as cancer Anyone else notice the new cricket ads that just started airing, encouraging kids to play the game? Notice anything? Yes, Mumma, no matter the bright sunshine, not all the kids are wearing hats. And there is M. Elanoma moving up the batting order now. For, of course, such a practice is actually severely frowned upon in Sydney junior cricket circles, where the firm rule is "No hat, no bat". Unbelievable they would overlook such a thing. TEAM OF THE WEEK Socceroos. Beat Qatar 4-0, which helps them to qualify them for the World Cup or something.
Tim Cahill. Playing with passion for Australia.
Brett Emerton. Finished with a wonderful team goal while racking up 69 caps..
Young Socceroos. First Australian side (ever) to win an Asian tournament: the ASEAN Cup in Thailand. James Holland slotted the final penalty in a shoot-out to defeat Korea in the final.
Adelaide United. Are off to Tashkent, the Uzbekistan capital, for their Asian Champions League semi-final next week. The game will be beamed across Asia and Brazil.
(You're right - it really has been a slow week in sport. But on to more important things …)
Craig Alexander. Took out the Hawaiian Ironman title in just his second attempt after finishing second last year. The race comprises a 3.8-kilometre swim, 180km cycle and 42.2km run.
Dawn Fraser. Swam competitively for the first time in 20 years, when she won a silver medal at the Alice Springs Masters Games, clocking 48.25 seconds for the 50 metres freestyle … aged 71.
Seve Ballesteros. The 51-year-old five-time major winner this week announced he has a brain tumour. All strength, Seve, from all of us.
Craig Lowndes/Jamie Whincup. Won the Bathurst 1000 - if that's what it is still called - for the third straight year.
The Australian Schoolboys XV. Defeated the NZ Schoolboys in New Zealand - a first. One for the goodies. Actually, two for the goodies, because they won last year, too. Captain Cameron Mitchell played in both squads.
WHAT THEY SAID
Irish rugby league player Michael Platt, who plays for Bradford in the UK Super League, on the coming World Cup: "Everyone knows the Irish like a good time, and I'm sure we will but only in the right manner. Gone are the days when you can drink and play rugby league." Mickey, bring it in tight. We need to talk.
Indian cricketer Sourav Ganguly on why he will retire after the Test series against Australia: "I have played badly in only one series. Yet every Tom, Dick and Harry is playing in the team. There are some who have changed their hairstyle more than they have scored for India." Bags not sitting next to him at breakfast at the team hotel.
Swimming coach Doug Frost: "Ian Thorpe wouldn't have been Ian Thorpe without Doug Frost, I can tell you." Please!
Cricketing great Jack Fingleton in a 1980 letter to the editor of The Times , Harold Evans, as revealed in Greg Growden's newly released book, Jack Fingleton: The Man Who Stood Up To Bradman : "[Tiger] O'Reilly's opinions of [Bradman] correspond with me. No one doubted his ability but playing under him was different to chaps like Woodfull and Richardson. One sensed [they were] playing for Australia, with Bradman it seemed like for his own personal glory."
Nate Holland, star of the US snowboard team, on what he'd do if he became the next president of the US: "I'd apologise to the world for having such a derelict president the past eight years … " That sounds like a plan!
Shane Warne, on the travails of the 2005 Ashes tour: "At night I'd lie there and go, 'Shit, when am I going to see my kids?' There were times I'd sit there and drink my mini bar until three in the morning just to get to sleep. Set the alarm, wake up and say, 'Here we go again.' I cried a fair bit when I was by myself: 'You dickhead, what are you doing? What have you done?"'
The mother of Greg Bird, on having his two young brothers with him at a hearing: "He needed some support. If we hadn't been there, all he would have had there was his barrister. He never even had a club member to go along and support him."
Paul McNamee, on reports that the Australian Open could move to Sydney: "It would be akin to Wimbledon having discussions with Edinburgh. Why would you do that? It's part of the DNA of Melbourne, like the Opera House is part of the DNA of Sydney."
Nick Davis, after the Sydney Swans let him go: "I think I probably pushed the boundaries of the club's 'No Dickheads' policy a bit, but I think I'm a better person now. That's one thing that 'Roosy' wanted when he started, to make people at the club better people, and I'd have to say I'm one of those people."
