In the morning, haggard tourists stare out across the traffic while they drink beers for breakfast. As the blazing sun crosses into the afternoon, leathery tourists heave themselves into straining deckchairs on the trash-speckled beach. And once evening falls, lonely tourists are beckoned into garish bars filled with faux-friendly ladies, or propositioned by shadowy figures waiting under trees along the promenade.
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Is this really the best that Thailand has to offer? No, of course not, yet still it's one of the country's most popular destinations.
I arrive in Pattaya ready to dislike it. In all of my trips to Thailand - probably more than 20 by now - I've always avoided this coastal haunt near Bangkok, put off by its reputation for sex tourism and the clientele that often attracts. But as a travel writer, I thought it was probably time to see Pattaya for myself because ... well, surely there's much more to it than just its seedy notoriety, right?
It turns out the answer is yes, there is much more to Pattaya - and they are actually the things that make me dislike the place so much.
The first problem is simply the size of Pattaya. For somewhere considered to be a beach resort, it's about 99 per cent sprawling streets lined with massage parlours and 7-Elevens, and about 1 per cent beach. Most of the time it feels like you're in a busy urban environment - exactly what you're supposed to be escaping. For a comparison, even just the central part of Pattaya is at least five times larger than the overdeveloped tourist hotspot of Patong on Phuket.
And that 1 per cent beach? It's not even particularly nice, especially compared to some of the gorgeous ones you'll find on the southern islands. The brownish sand is filled with rows of deckchairs covered by large tents of shade cloth, spruikers moving between them trying to sell parasailing rides, which would just mean even more speedboats churning up the opaque tepid water.
As a city, Pattaya revolves around the tourism industry and unfortunately it has sacrificed much of its authentic Thai culture to that cause (if it ever had any). Some of the main tourist attractions, like Ripley's Believe It or Not oddity museum or the made-for-Instagram Art in Paradise gallery, are just generic tackiness that survive simply because there aren't enough good things to do here.
Even worse are the attractions that are downright cruel or miserable, like the Elephant Village where the "rescued" animals are forced to perform tricks and give rides, the Tiger Park where people pose so close to the big cats that they're presumably heavily sedated, and the slick new stadium that is used for cockfighting near the overpriced (and best-avoided) Floating Market.
So, at this point, you might be wondering if I enjoyed anything about Pattaya. The good news is that there are a few gems here and, put together, they can make for a decent trip. One of the most famous attractions in Pattaya, the Sanctuary of Truth, is deserving of its popularity. The enormous temple, made solely from wood with a spire more than 30 metres high, has been under construction since the 1980s. The reason it's taken so long is because of the thousands of intricate handmade sculptures that adorn the walls and columns inside, with workers still perched on scaffolding carving some of them.
There are more than enough statues in situ for my guide (a tour is mandatory) to show how they tell a story of seven "truths" as you walk in increasingly smaller circles towards the centre of the cavernous space. "Everyone has their purpose in life," she says to the group of tourists. "In the next section, we will explore yours."
My purpose in life is certainly not to spend any longer than I have to in central Pattaya. Thankfully there are other beaches in either direction along the coast that are much nicer and easy to reach for about 50c on the local "baht bus", the covered pickup trucks that cruise the main streets. To the north, Wong Amat feels much more secluded, with only a smattering of sunchairs on the sand and accommodation fronting right onto the beach without a busy multilane road between. And to the south, Jomtien is another quiet option that still has quite a few restaurants and bars but has so far escaped the sleazy hedonism you'll find elsewhere.
Perhaps my favourite spot, though, is the small island of Koh Larn, about seven kilometres off the coast. Regular boats take you across the water on a 40-minute trip that costs just over a dollar, to a little oasis, the closest to a tropical paradise you're going to find around here. About half a dozen beaches offer a range of atmospheres - some still relatively crowded but others pleasantly relaxing with refreshing clear water - separated by steep verdant hills that just add to a sense of seclusion.
If you want a relaxing holiday with nice beaches and some Thai culture, I would still suggest you head to places like Koh Samui or Phuket (or, even better, Koh Lanta or Koh Lipe). But if you are attracted by the convenience of Pattaya to Bangkok (a two-hour direct bus for just $6 is certainly very easy), at least head to the quieter beaches. And maybe even consider spending your evenings in town and your days over at Koh Larn. This may not be the best of Thailand, but at least you can make the best of it.
- You can see more things to do in Pattaya on Michael's Time Travel Turtle website.
Michael Turtle
Michael Turtle is an Australian journalist who left his job in television to travel the world forever. He'll show you how to find the lesser-known places, get involved in the culture, learn the history, and meet locals along the way.
Michael Turtle is an Australian journalist who left his job in television to travel the world forever. He'll show you how to find the lesser-known places, get involved in the culture, learn the history, and meet locals along the way.
