Close your eyes and plant your feet firmly on the ground. I need you to breathe.
Think about what it feels like to have someone steal your work. The sting of your sibling copying your pose in the annual Christmas pic, the burn of your best friend ripping off the design of that perfect cremation urn you had picked out for yourself.
If you can't relate to either of these fairly universal examples, as a Canberran you should be able to get on side for this...
The Serbian town of Kikinda has unveiled a new 2.4 metre owl statue to commemorate their large population of long-eared owls and their status as one of the world's owl capitals. But the ears aren't the only 'long' thing about it. As you can see it also has a long penis-like body.
Given the town's status as owl central, you'd think they have a pretty sound grasp on what an owl actually looks like. And this is why this whole ordeal is so offensive to the people of Canberra.
For years, the owl statue has been our thing. It put us on the map.
Since being erected in 2011 for a tidy figure of $400,000, it took over from Telstra Tower as Canberra's number one geographical marker. Or so I believe.
Without the owl statue, I doubt we would ever know where Belconnen town proper starts and where it finishes. I'd be lost on my 9.30pm drives to Goodberries, that's for damn sure.
I'm not pulling a Lorde and suggesting that it's our trademark design and it's never been done before. I'm cool, I'm chill.
What I am saying is, Kikinda, stop appropriating our culture. There are plenty of other things you can turn into dicks.
Serena Coady self-identifies as the official Canberra Times reporter for matters relating to the Belconnen penis owl. For tip-offs, please email firstname.lastname@example.org. All correspondence will remain confidential.