If you don't want the job, Harry, I'll take it

I beg one's pardon, but is this seriously supposed to be a sign of wokenesse oblige? Do they honestly think closing our own doors is the toughest plight of the common man? If you really want to convey ordinariness, I'll see you at the laundromat on Friday night.

The whole idea of royalty is inspired nonsense, an intrinsically unjust, undemocratic pantomime of pomp. So let's not pretend that Meghan and Harry are anything but paid clowns fulfilling our fairytale fantasies. I don't want my royals to be plebs like me, or worse, celebrities. They are playing a role that doesn't exist if they don't play the role.

Now, I'm sure Harry and Meghan are basically nice people, but that is not their job description. If the royals are to serve any purpose at all in this day and age, they need to be majestic, not domestic. Imperial, not goss-material. They need to lord it over us. I expect my royalty to be treated like royalty.

This closing-my-own-doors malarky wouldn't happen under my reign. "Who's King?" I would ask, like Elizabeth I in Blackadder II, if a door was left unattended at my rear or anyone dared to defy my divinely bequeathed authority. "It's good to be the King," I'd think, as the piss boy carried away another one of my buckets.

The Queen is a symbol, an idea, an embodiment of England. Sure, I know when Lizzie gets home she pops on the slippers, cracks open a Cadbury block and watches re-runs of her "By Appointment" episodes of The Goodies and The Good Life like the rest of us, but in public life HRH certainly knows how to be Queen.

For how long has Her Maj commanded an unchallengeable authority, a detached dignity that our more secular leaders couldn't pull off if they tried? In her own polite way, she still seems to ask the question, "Who's Queen?" And I would happily and obligingly open and close doors for her.

But Elizabeth seems to be a dying breed of corgi. In case you hadn't noticed, England is in a bit of strife at a time that coincides with this expectation that our royals act like humans, or worse, virtuous ones.

If England is to have hope, I believe she must re-elevate the throne, abandon the shambles of Europe and reassert her sovereignty. Charles is a lost cause, whose only claim to authentic royalty is that he is a loony. But perhaps, just perhaps, King William and Kate, can begin this Reclamation. They could start by looking royally unamused if someone forgets to close their car door behind them.

If they don't want the gig, I'm happy to take it. I think my name alone suggests I'm divinely qualified.