We are being run by a troupe of the great unmasked: misspeakers, rorters, barrel-porkers, car-porking scammers - and, if none of these things offend you, those who make irrational spontaneous decisions, otherwise known as "captain's calls".
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Let me introduce you to the people in power, that crazy coalition of Liberals and Nationals; and to their hapless leader, Scott Morrison, who did more to promote vaccine refusal and hesitancy this week than Pete Evans, the charlatan who claimed his machines could battle Covid.
The Prime Minister announced late on Monday that anyone under 40 could access the AstraZeneca COVID-19 vaccine immediately, after discussion with a general practitioner, although I am not entirely sure how many under-40s have a regular GP, since they've grown up in an era in which health provision is treated as if it's a supermarket item, not a specialist service.
Apparently, Morrison made the announcement without a single conversation with an expert, as was made clear when those massed experts, from chief health officers to the Royal Australian College of General Practitioners to the Australian Medical Association, said "Uh, wait up". And both Queensland and NSW announced quick-smart their vaccine hubs would not be offering AstraZeneca to under-40s.
Why did the Prime Minister's comments then promote vaccine hesitancy?
Australians love vaccines. We see how safe they are. How they save lives. We have a miraculous national immunisation scheme, which sees thousands of people saved from whooping cough, polio, measles, mumps, rubella, meningococcal and genital cancers, without cost to individuals. These vaccines have been delivered without drama, with carefully thought-out programs, and communication around them has been so solid.
Even with Gardasil, the vaccine to prevent human papillomavirus, common sense prevailed over that pathetic band of people who claimed it would encourage recipients to be promiscuous. I will soon stop making the joke that Barnaby Joyce, an opponent of the free provision of Gardasil, didn't need any help with that.
But there has been a truckload of mixed messaging about AstraZeneca, all done in the nervous way your parents speak to you when they are trying to predict ways to keep you out of trouble. Remember that emergency press conference when Morrison announced the advice on AZ had changed, and that from then on, as of June 17, the preferred vaccine for everyone under 60 would be Pfizer? Dead-set freaked everyone out, and there were then cancellations for AZ appointments. To be clear, AZ is still not the vaccine preferred by the Australian Technical Advisory Group on Immunisation (ATAGI) for the under-40s.
AstraZeneca is terrific, though, if you are over 60. I'm on day 29, and no breathlessness or throbbing pain (some of the indications of the post-AZ clotting which, in very, very few cases, can kill you). Yes, I'm one of the partially vaccinated, and the significant side effect for me was the roaring fever, soon followed by what felt like the worst hangover I'd ever had (it didn't have much competition as I'm not much of a drinker). It will take another eight weeks for me to get the second shot, despite the chair of the Coalition for Epidemic Preparedness Innovations, Jane Halton, making a useful suggestion to reconsider the wait time. Kristine Macartney, director of the National Centre for Immunisation Research and Surveillance, says these matters are always under review.
"There is an option in the existing clinical advice for the second dose to be brought forward if there is a particular reason," she says. Macartney says that advice has always been there, which was news to me - and to my GP.
I am so bloody grateful for AstraZeneca. Thanks, Dame Sarah Gilbert, for your work. [Gilbert's a professor of vaccinology at Oxford University, the co-inventor of the AstraZeneca vaccine, and a mother of triplets. This week, when she went to Wimbledon, she was honoured with a standing ovation. Weirdly, as I was watching the clip on my laptop, I also stood up and clapped. A lot of strange behaviour has taken over during the pandemic.]
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But, seriously, is it too much to ask for consistency across the states, territories and the nation? While I'm very enthusiastic about the AZ jab, Health Minister Greg Hunt says the health advice surrounding it hasn't changed. And, creepily, Morrison's announcement came about the same time as the federal government's commitment to provide indemnity to GPs who administer it. Hunt rejected the idea that the captain's call was about trying to speed up the vaccine strollout, and said it was simply a recognition that there was access for those who wanted to make an informed, individual decision (plus it helps that we have AZ on hand).
Just over 6 per cent of Australians are fully vaccinated after four months. And those electing to take AZ now will wait longer for full protection than July or August Pfizerites.
On Thursday, after days of confusion, Christopher Blyth, who co-chairs ATAGI, said the immunisation lead group stuck by its advice that people under 60 should get the Pfizer vaccine unless there were pressing circumstances. Nobel laureate Peter Doherty familiarised himself with all the advice about AstraZeneca and Pfizer. He says: "I'm telling my younger relatives to take the medical advice, which is that unless there is a situation where there is real danger, to wait for Pfizer."
Doherty says the initial delays and confusions have not assisted with vaccine willingness, but at least now the vaccines are on order. He says there is one more thing the government could do, urgently: there are now antiviral drugs in trial which, if given in the early days of Covid, whack it on the head (OK, that's my layperson's translation).
He also says there is a cross-reactive monoclonal antibody currently going through the approval processes with the Therapeutic Goods Administration, the same kind of treatment former US president Donald Trump had, which was why he appeared to be able to shake off Covid so easily. Order them early, says Doherty.
"We don't want to be at the end of the supply chain again."
- Jenna Price is a visiting fellow at the Australian National University and a regular columnist.