Am I the only person who sits at home, alone, on a Wednesday night, and googles "How to skin and cook a squirrel"?
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I've become addicted to the television series Alone. The second season of the Australian version is currently airing on SBS on Wednesday nights, but via streaming I'm off to the wilds of Saskatchewan, British Columbia and even Mongolia as often as I can.
I guess the main thing I'm wondering is if I could ever survive longer than a couple of days. I have no discernible skills at all. I can fish a bit, and indeed I want to do a bit more of that, but I can't bring down a musk ox with my bare hands. I'd have to swot up on which vegetation was edible, what medicinal purposes they had and the like. Could I build myself a shelter? Possibly but I'm even a bit rubbish at putting up a tent.
I know I'd have no chance. The only part of it I know I wouldn't have trouble with is being alone. And being alone in nature.
I love watching the journeys (and Alone is the only reality show where I'll allow the use of that over-used reality television trope) of women on this show.
Canberra's own Kate Grarock got to the top four in season one, which was eventually won by the inspiring Gina Chick. I've seen Kate braving the wilderness of the Gang Gang coffee line so I'm sure that helped in her experience.
This season I'm fangirling over Tamika and Suzan, both women in their 50s who are killing it, making it to the top four. Tamika tapped out this week.
Other international favourites include Woniya Thibeault, Melanie Sawyer, Callie North, Kielyn Marrone and more. Thibeault came second in season six, lasting 73 days in 2019 and then backed up in 2022 to become the first woman to win a series, lasting 50 days.
I know this is a massive generalisation, but female contestants seem to embrace nature, work with whatever emotions are going through their heads, rather than fighting against them. Who will ever forget Chick's stories of grief for her daughter? Or former international model Melanie Sawyer talking about how she became a living history teacher? Or how Kate tapped out of her own accord because she prioritised her values about ecology and decided not to hunt mammals or eat certain plants.
You go girls.
Part of it, I think, is wondering how resourceful I could be. Since I've been living alone I've loved it that my skillset has grown. I replaced a whole toilet cistern once. Ikea furniture doesn't scare me anymore.
There have been a couple of things where I've had to ask for help. The pool pump had me beat a few years ago. And I'm still a bit wary of climbing up an extended ladder to change a smoke alarm on an extra high ceiling.
But there's not a lot I can't do myself. When you're by yourself you just have to get stuff done.
There are still some days when I have a little pity party and cry like a baby because the dishwasher didn't empty itself overnight or nobody bothered to bring in the washing because there is nobody.
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I know, however, that none of this domestic fortitude would translate into the wilderness. Some days I just think it would do me the world of good to be abandoned somewhere. It might toughen me up a bit. Have I gone a bit soft?
The only reality show I might do OK on is some kind of cooking series, but I'm more Bake Off than MasterChef. I'd have to brush up on my bread game, but I might be able to survive chocolate week.
When I think I might apply, I'll find myself watching cooking shows to get some inspiration. What would Nigella do? - that kind of thing.
I was watching an episode of River Cottage Autumn just recently and Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall was out trapping, of all things, squirrels. The episode was all about foraging for your food.
He fished a bit, pulled up some nettles, found some wild mushrooms, some berries that tasted like sour lollies, some wild parsnips and crabapples, and the biggest oysters you've ever seen, and turned it all into a feast.
The highlight was a squirrel ragu with nettle pasta and some offal kebabs using the animal's heart, liver and kidneys.
I might not survive for long on Alone, but I could be having a spectacular last supper.