Aileen Barratt's Tinder Translator is an A-Z guide of modern misogyny

And here's the thing. You have to ask. Because a lot of the time, none of that is true.

"There are some dating app behaviours that are pretty obviously misogynistic," says Aileen Barratt, author of Tinder Translator: The A-Z guide of modern misogyny and creator of the @tindertranslator Instagram account which has more than 76,000 followers.

"But it's the subtle stuff that takes longer to notice.

"It's often hidden in the repetitive, pithy statements that dating app bios are full of."

When Tinder started 10 years ago, Barrett was "happily married and highly smug". She, like most people, had no idea how much of an impact the app would have, thinking "it was everything that is wrong with the world", she says.

Four years later, she was suddenly single. "I went from smugly judgmental to reluctantly resigned", and she downloaded the app.

She admits there was fun to be had, but she soon got sick of "wading through the crap".

In 2019, after about three years on and off the apps, she started Tinder Translator as "almost a bit of comic catharsis - translating Tinder bios into what they really meant".

"As well as the compulsory dull chat and borderline sexual harassment, I noticed so much repetitive, euphemistic language," she says.

"I also began to notice lots of patterns in the behaviour of men I chatted to and dated.

"Soon I started receiving bios from all over the world and getting messages from women saying I'd helped them see warning signs, call out bad behaviour and just feel less alone in the process.

"I'd never expected to grow such a community and it's been just wonderful."

While there is still plenty of humour involved in Tinder Translator, Barratt recognises there's a darker side to online dating.

A recent report from the Australian Institute of Criminology found that three-quarters of people using dating apps experienced some form of online sexual violence, from sexual harassment, to unsolicited sexual images and repeated contact.

"Even when I raise topics that should be light and funny, there are always dark stories of how women have been harmed by men," she says.

"I get sent hilarious bad-first-date stories, for example, but among them will be stories of sexual assault and worse.

"It happens when I talk about sex, preferences and what different women do and don't enjoy. There will always be stories of coercion or shaming when women don't want to do a certain act.

"I write in the book about how kink has been brought into the mainstream without the culture of consent and communication that exists in BDSM communities - it's shocking how many young women are being coerced into doing things they don't enjoy or, worse, that hurt them.

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"Inevitably talking to women about sex and relationships is going to mean unearthing a lot of painful topics, because male violence against women and girls is so prevalent. But I also know a lot of women take strength from the page and the community around it, which means a lot.

"Doing what I do confirms that we still need feminism so badly."

In August there was an article from Psychology Today, The Rise of Lonely, Single Men. It suggested that dating opportunities for heterosexual men were diminishing as relationship standards rose and that they needed to address skills deficits to meet healthier relationship expectations.

"The general f**kery of men, something that is enabled and exposed by the immediacy of dating app culture, has led to a pretty low bar for what generally constitutes a 'good guy'.

"There are so many arrogant dudebros talking over us about their favourite novelist, or creeps sending dick pics, that when a man listens to us for more than a minute and, you know, doesn't sexually harass us, we immediately think he's a dreamboat."

She found the Psychology Today article very interesting.

"It exposed a lie we're often told, that women are desperate for relationships and men aren't," she says.

"I think the truth is much more complex, but in the past five to 10 years the standards of what makes a good relationship have risen for many women, along with our self-esteem.

"A lot of the new requirements are focused on interpersonal skills rather than material provision etc, and generations of men have been raised to focus on the latter.

"In a way, I can understand the backlash, because it's borne out of fear.

"But really it's simple - be interested in your partner and their life; ask questions and listen to the answers; notice the types of affection your partner responds to and try to offer those."

In the book she runs through phrases, A-Z, that often appear in dating profiles.

A is for "just ask" and translates to "from the outset, I require that you make all the effort in the relationship". "Why would you want to spend time and energy on someone who can't think of three interesting things to say about themselves?"

L is for "looking for fun", which means "sex, I am looking for sex". "If you agree to meet up with someone for some fun [and power to you if that's what you're after] they will not be planning an elaborate date involving fairground rides and fairy floss."

X is for "crazy exes", which means "I have literally driven several women mad. Run in the opposite direction. I cannot wave the red flags high enough on this one."

Have people lost the art of conversation?

"I don't think we have but it can feel like that on dating apps sometimes," she says.

"The relatively anonymity of dating apps is a huge factor in why you'll find a lot of inappropriate, sexually explicit conduct on there.

"No one else sees the messages you're sending, which can be fun and freeing but all too often ends up just exposing the latent misogyny in a depressing number of men.

"It's a bit like how mean people are on Twitter when they'd never speak like that to someone's face - the degree of separation can embolden the worst in some people."

Does she believe that good men still exist?

"Of course good men exist, perfect men don't, but there are lots of men who care about women and want to be good partners," she says.

"I think sometimes the superlatives of social media can cloud our perception of reality. We all know lovely, good men - therefore good men exist.

"But even good people are products of their environment, and with higher standards and more feminist awareness many women are finding that there are less men they want to date, for sure.

"It doesn't help that dating apps have made everything so transactional and that brings out the worst in a lot of people."

Does she have any suggestions about what makes a good profile?

"My speciality is bad profiles so I'm not sure," she says.

"I certainly don't think there's one formula but offering information about yourself, being light-hearted and honest about what you want without being seedy is always good."