The Morrison government should put some pork on Canberra Stadium's fork

You know how there's all this hoo-haa about how you've been using sport funding to buy votes? Well I've got a way to throw a spanner in the works of all those do-gooders and help show it's not just votes you care about.

A red herring if you will. I know it's not your favourite colour, but bear with me. Pretend it's purple. I think you'll find it worth it.

Personally I don't see what all the fuss is about. I mean it's not like it's the first time you've used federal government money to buy votes and it certainly won't be the last.

Nobody seemed to notice when Sport Australia chief executive Kate Palmer got up in front of a Senate estimates committee in October and said you'd gone against their advice. To the tune of $100 million.

Just because an audit has proved that's the case what's the difference?

Plus, they didn't really need the audit to work that out now did they? They could've just read The Canberra Times three weeks ago when I pointed out how ridiculous redeveloping the WACA was.

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You know, that cricket ground in Perth that's largely unused since they just built a new stadium? With federal government money.

I mean with that shiny, brand new Perth Stadium just across the Swan River, you didn't really need to waste $30 million on redeveloping the WACA. So it could be used for the Sheffield Shield. Which is watched by 20 people.

You should've just bought a couple of deck chairs and left them at the gate for people to pick up on the way in.

The fact WA helped get the election across the line wouldn't have played any part in that decision I'm sure. Of course all the Sport Australia boxes were ticked off.

Not to mention you built a new stadium in Townsville, which just happened to lie in the most marginal seat in Australia. How did the Coalition go in Queensland in last year's election again? Quite well from memory. Just a coincidence I'm sure.

Although you probably could've saved that cash and splashed it somewhere else. Made election eve an easier sleep. You had Uncle Clive Palmer and his wonderful ad campaign buying your votes for you up there. Oh well, something to remember for the next election.

Now back to my idea. You know, the one that's going to save your bacon.

Give some money to Canberra! It's the perfect way to take the heat off Macca. And her pork barrels.

No one here votes for you and you sure as hell didn't win any seats at the last election.

Not only did you lose, but you got thrashed! I just had a look. I had no idea how poorly you did. It's no wonder you won't invest any money in the ACT.

But that's why it's perfect. No one will suspect it's just a ruse.

It could also help you ScoMo. Take a bit of heat off after your bungling of the bushfires. Help people forget you buggered off to Hawaii and left the country to burn.

All you need to do is get out one of those big novelty cheques and send Georgina Downer along to present it. Hang on, scrap that. Don't get Georgina. (I forgot that's what got you in this mess in the first place.)

Maybe go with a Canberra member. (They're from the Labor Party.) That Alicia Payne seemed nice when I met her down the Manuka shops one time. Send her instead.

And if you make the funding sporty then you'll tick two boxes with one vote.

So here's the idea. Buy Canberra a new stadium. We'd love a new one. Preferably indoor. And in Civic.

You know the place. I'm sure you've visited it once. It's just across the Lake from your gaff on the Hill.

We've got this old, worn out thing at Bruce that could really do with retirement. You know then one. It's where you watched your beloved Cronulla that time.

It's 43 years old. Kind of getting past it's used-by date. I know you know that. Given the ACT government's been asking you if they could buy it off you to redevelop for the past two years. You've been sitting on your hands since then.

All you need to do is hand over about 300 million pork barrels and we should be sweet. No one will suspect a thing.