My Uber rating shows I am a much better person than you
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My Uber rating shows I am a much better person than you

I am almost certainly a better person than you.

I have a 4.95-star rating as a passenger on Uber and the average is something a bit higher than 4.5, but surely not as high as 4.95, which I have, so look upon my arbitrarily determined near-perfect valuation, ye mighty, and despair.

Those with less than a four-star rating risk being kicked off Uber.

Those with less than a four-star rating risk being kicked off Uber.Credit:AP

Also, I’m pretty sure the only reason I don’t have a perfect five is because sometimes people get me and Nick Earls mixed up and Nick is notorious for getting underpants-literally-on-his-head drunk and that Uber guy who gave me less than five stars must have had Nick in the back seat, drunk as a lord, undies on his bonce.

I’m sad about that, but none of us are perfect and I don’t blame the ignorant Uber driver. I blame Nick.

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Now, I wouldn’t normally humblebrag about my 4.95-star rating because, to be honest, I’m not that humble as a rule. But your personal Uber rating is about to determine whether you can catch a relatively cheap, non-surge-period lift home or whether you’ll have to catch a cab like some sort of animal.

As of September 19, Uber is banning riders with ratings of less four stars.

I am not as bullish on this prospect as I might be, because we’re heading into the summer drinking season and Nick Earls is a very thirsty man.

For the avoidance of all doubt, this man is NOT John Birmingham.

For the avoidance of all doubt, this man is NOT John Birmingham.Credit:Paul Harris

But putting aside my own well-founded anxieties, I do wonder whether being rated as human beings by some vast Orwellian hypercorp might be the way to go.

So much of modern life is soured by rancorous discord and unpleasantness that perhaps things might be improved if you lot had to pause every now and then to consider the consequences of your boorishness.

Indeed, I do not imagine for a second that you would long survive the natural selection of the review and rating process you do so seem to enjoy when handing out one-star hidings to poor, hard-working writers on the Beast of Bezos.

I’m sure there’s a few restaurateurs, hoteliers and sundry online retailers who would love nothing more than to give a full and frank accounting of your failings as a customer and human being.

So bring on the reviewmageddon and ratingspocalypse, I say.

I’ve got a one-star classification for everyone who hasn’t bought my last book and given it six stars out of a possible five. How very dare you.

And my review of Nick Earls’ latest pants-less shenanigans will be posted first thing tomorrow.

John Birmingham is a columnist and blogger for the Brisbane Times. He is also an award winning magazine writer and the author of Leviathan, the Unauthorised Biography of Sydney, which won the National Award for Non-Fiction. He amuses himself in his down time by writing novels which improve with altitude.